Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
