I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
