can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
