yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
