The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
