Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I need a burrito and a hug.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
