No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
