if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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