i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
