I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
