Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
