He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
