omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
