if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
