i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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