I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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