Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
