My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I intend to get homeless drunk
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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