the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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