pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
