You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
