I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
