i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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