Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
