planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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