Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
50% drunk capacity currently
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
