I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's blow job season.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.