No stitches, just platelets and will power
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.