it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
