guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
