My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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