were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
