Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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