i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
