yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
