your parents love me but you hate me
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
