she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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