I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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