My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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