Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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