Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
