If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
