you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
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