so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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