Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
