Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
