I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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