i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So many bounce houses so little time
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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