I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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