but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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