i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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