Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
he just fucked me for my cheese.