Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
