put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
