That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
