1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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