I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
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He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
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He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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