hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
