i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
