Where is the hickey?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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