Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
