i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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